Soul Searching/End Game
SS Chapter 4 - Harry and Hermione and Hermione and Ron
By Chem Prof
Chapter 4, Harry and Hermione and Hermione and Ron
After her parents had retired for the evening, and she and Harry were alone, Hermione turned to him and said, “Harry?”
“Hmm?”
“I want to talk for a while.”
“OK.”
They went to the family room and sat down on a couch. “I want to talk about Ron and me, and about you and me.”
Harry nodded. He had been expecting this sooner or later. Hermione tucked her legs under her and turned to face him. “Do you think I’m pretty?”
“Sure.” Harry said, surprised. He had not been expecting this!”
Hermione smiled. That was so like Harry. A simple, direct, answer with no evasion or thought of deception. “You think I’m as pretty as the other girls at Hogwarts?”
Harry paused this time. She clearly wanted him to give this some thought. “Well, you know Cho kind of took my breath away, but yeah, you’re as pretty as the rest of them.”
“Even Lavender?”
Harry now thought he saw where this was going. “Well, Lavender has that long, wavy blonde hair that a lot of guys like, and she does stuff to her eyes…”
“Makeup, Harry.”
“OK, she uses that eye makeup that looks real nice, and she…” Harry stopped, with his hands in the air, slightly cupped, while he tried to decide how to say the next part.
“The polite term is to say she has a great figure, Harry,” Hermione said as she rolled her eyes. “If you want to be direct about it, she has big breasts.”
“OK, she has big breasts. Some guys make a big deal about that…”
“Like Ron.” Hermione mumbled.
Harry thought he detected some bitterness in that comment, but ignored the interruption and continued, “but that’s not that important to me. I mean, look at Cho and Ginny.” Both girls had what would be described as petite figures. “So I like the size you are.” Harry paused, and then both of them blushed as they realized exactly what he had just said.
Why, Harry, I didn’t think you noticed, “Hermione teased.
“Hermione, I’m a guy. We definitely notice girls’ breasts! I can’t tell you how many nights in the boys dorm have been spent discussing the relative sizes of the girls in our year.” Harry generally listened and rarely participated during these discussions, which were usually between Seamus, Dean, and Ron, since he had pretty much no experience with girls. In truth, Hermione’s name rarely came up. Lavender Brown, Susan Bones, and Pansy Parkinson were the chief topics of discussion, although occasionally all the girls would be compared. Dean had been very careful during the past year not to reveal any knowledge he might have about Ginny in front of Ron.
“Enough!” cried Hermione. She really did not want to think about Dean or Seamus or, God forbid, Neville offering an opinion on how her breasts compared with Parvati’s or Lavender’s. “Go on.”
“Hermione, you’re pretty enough without even trying. But when you got dressed up and all made up that time for the Yule Ball, you were stunning! I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, and if you remember, I was with Parvati at the time and Cho was at the head table also.”
“Oh, Harry, you’re so sweet!” Hermione beamed, and she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.
“Well, then,” she continued, changing to a matter-of-fact voice. “Why haven’t we ever dated?”
Harry, stunned, had no answer as his jaw dropped to the floor. OK, this was definitely not where he thought this conversation had been going. Wasn’t this supposed to be about Ron?
“I mean, we really like each other. We care for each other more than most boyfriends/girlfriends.” Hermione paused. “You never thought about us like that, right?” Still unable to answer, Harry managed a nod this time. “How do you think about us?” Harry shrugged this time, still trying to get his brain to re-engage and formulate an answer and Hermione continued.
“For the last few years, we’ve cared for each other more than anyone else in the world. When I wasn’t with you during the summer I couldn’t wait to see you again. I’m sure you also couldn’t wait to see me and Ron. I’d rather spend time with you than with my parents, who I love dearly. We worry about what happens to each other. We’re more concerned about each others’ safety than our own. How many times have I tried to talk you out of something dangerous, then joined you when I could see that you were going to do it anyway? How many times have you risked your life for mine? Do you know how desperate I was when you disappeared at the end of the tri-wizard tournament, or how relieved I felt when you returned?”
Harry finally found his voice as he thought about her words. “When you went down in the Department of Mysteries last year I lost it. I couldn’t function until Neville found your pulse and told me you were alive. I didn’t react that way when the others got hurt,” he added in a softer voice as he relived that night in his mind.
“I remember that I was the one you grabbed to protect when we blew up the shelves.” Hermione pointed out quietly. “We both saved each other’s life a few times that night.” There was silence as they both remembered the awful events of that night.
“You know, as bad as I felt when Sirius died, it would have been as bad or even worse if it had been you.” Harry’s voice broke as he finished, and Hermione suddenly reached over and grabbed him in a fierce hug. After a minute she leaned back and said, “There’s more to it than that. I care about what you think of me. Your opinion is more important to me than anyone else’s.” Harry nodded in agreement as Hermione continued, “So like what you said about me before, or last year when I heard what you told Slughorn about me. It means more coming from you than from other people.”
“I see what you mean,” mused Harry. “When everyone thought I was crazy last year, it was bearable because you believed in me. If you had turned against me too…” he shuddered.
Hermione reached over and took his hand. “It works the other way too. When you criticize me, it hurts more. And it makes me really think about what I’ve done.” She took his other hand and looked down as she lowered her voice. “And you don’t criticize me out of spite. It’s always an honest opinion and you usually do it quietly and in private.”
She looked down guiltily. “Even this past year when we weren’t getting along that well. You challenged me about Ron and Cormac, but you waited to do it when we were alone.” She looked up into his eyes. “You have no idea how much that means to me Harry. Thank you.” She leaned forward to give him another kiss on the cheek, then leaned back to look at him.
Harry was quiet as he thought about his arguments with Hermione in years past. He realized, even if he was too stubborn to admit it at the time, that all her criticisms of him had been because she cared about him. Then he frowned as he remembered some of her comments about the potions book.
Hermione, as though she was reading his mind, squeezed his hands tightly as she said, “I’m sorry Harry. I said some things this year that were way out of line. You’ve been a better friend to me this year than I’ve been to you.”
“That’s OK Hermione,” he responded quickly. “You’ve put up with a lot more from me over the years than I have from you. If anyone’s earned some slack in this relationship, it’s you.”
Hermione’s eyes sparkled, the relief evident on her face. “Oh Harry, thank you…”
“No, Hermione, thank you. For putting up with me and caring enough about me to let me know when I’m screwing up. Let’s always talk to each other and be honest with each other and work out our disagreements as friends.” He paused. “Best friends.”
They both looked at each other, and smiles began to grow across their faces. “Best friends,” Hermione agreed. Then Harry, to her shock, leaned forward and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. He grinned at her wide-eyed stare before she recovered and stuttered, “H-Harry. Y-You’ve never done that!”
“Well, it’s about time, isn’t it?” he chuckled.
Eventually Hermione regained her composure and continued. “That’s not all. It makes us happy when good things happen to each other and we feel bad when something bad happens to the other.” She noticed a strange look on Harry’s face. “Don’t look so surprised, Harry. A lot of people are happy when others mess up, because it makes them feel better about themselves, and are jealous when good things happen to others, even their friends.”
“Don’t I know it,” muttered Harry.
Hermione got his attention again, then leaned forward and said softly, “You’ve always tried to comfort me when I’m hurting.” She got a distant look in her eye. “Sometimes it seems like a theme with the three of us. Ron says something that upsets me, you try to comfort me, eventually I get over it and we’re fine until the next time.”
She shook herself a little and looked at Harry. “You know the only reason I watched Quidditch was because I enjoyed how happy it made you, right? And I can see you smile when I do well in class, and I can feel how proud you are of me. Remember when the prefect’s badges came out last year?” Harry nodded. “I was as excited when I thought you got one as I was when I got mine.”
Harry thought briefly. “You know, I was happy for you even though I was disappointed. I think part of what made me feel bad was the thought that I’d let you down. For a while I was jealous of Ron, but then I felt bad that I was jealous.” After a while Harry continued, “Don’t ever tell Ron this, but Dumbledore told me at the end of the year that I would have been the prefect, but he thought I had too many other burdens to worry about.”
He looked up to see Hermione grinning. “I knew it!” she said triumphantly. Then they both laughed.
Hermione thought again. “Do you remember how excited I was after the first and second tasks of the triwizard tournament? I was so proud of you!”
“Yeah, I remember that Krum was not very happy that you paid more attention to me than you did to him,” Harry interjected. “Did you know that he came to me later and asked me if there was anything going on between us?”
“No, really?” Hermione said, blushing again. “Well, that proves my point. I cared a lot more about you than I did about him, and I was supposed to be ‘the one he would miss the most.’ What does that tell you?”
Harry stared at her in deep thought, then said slowly, “They could have put either you or Ron down in the lake as my hostage.” Hermione’s eyes shone brightly as Harry continued, “When my name came out of the cup you were the only one who believed me. You trusted me. That meant so much to me I can’t express it.”
Hermione responded, “I trusted you. I’ve always trusted you about things like that. You’ve never let me down. I trust you with my life.”
“And I trust you with my life Hermione.” This time they both leaned forward and hugged each other.
When they separated, Hermione got serious. “Do you know what we’ve been describing for the last half hour? We’ve been describing love.” Harry jerked up straight with shock in his eyes. “Harry, there are different kinds of love. Do you think Ron loves Ginny?”
Realization dawned on his face as Harry said slowly, “Y-e-a-h.”
“How did Ron react when Ginny was taken into the Chamber?”
“He really freaked out. He practically dragged me down to see Lockhart, then dragged both of us down to the chamber.”
“How would you have reacted if it had been me?”
“Pretty much the same.”
“Harry, you and I have something in common. We’re both only children. Neither of us experienced what it was like to have a brother or sister.” Hermione took a deep breath. “It took me a while to figure it out. I love you, but not in a romantic way. It’s more like you’re the brother I never had, Harry. I love you like a brother. Does that make sense?”
Hermione gazed hopefully at Harry, then a big smile broke over his face. “And you’re like the sister I’ve never had, Hermione! That’s what I’ve been feeling!” Once again, they met each other in a big hug.
Without letting go, Hermione whispered, “Remember what you saw in the mirror of Erised? Your heart’s desire was to have a family. Let me be a part of that family Harry.”
Harry felt that the hole that had long been in his heart had filled a little. He had never had anyone tell him they loved him before, nor had he ever been able to say it to anyone. He hugged her more tightly than he ever had. “Thank you so much Hermione. I love you.”
She gasped a little and returned the hug as tightly as she could. “I love you Harry.”
They held each other a long time as tears ran down both of their faces.
Eventually they pulled away from each other and Hermione smiled at Harry. “OK. Now that we have that figured out we can be more comfortable around each other. We’re not going to be embarrassed to touch each other, or give each other hugs.”
“Not to mention the occasional kiss on the cheek?” grinned Harry. Hermione grinned back and nodded.
After a while Hermione said, “You realize it’s the same way between you and Ron, right?” At Harry’s puzzled look she continued, “You think of Ron as a brother.”
Again realization dawned on Harry as he considered these words. “Yeah, I think you’re right.” Then he frowned. “He tends to get jealous at times, though.”
“That’s actually pretty common between brothers,” explained Hermione. “They’re sometimes jealous of each other, but when the chips are down, they’re there for each other. Remember fourth year? Ron and you weren’t speaking to each other for weeks because he was jealous of you for being a champion, but as soon as he realized you were in danger, he was right there for you and the two of you made up like nothing had happened.”
“And Ron and Ginny can get into some real battles, but you know what would happen if anyone else tried to hurt either of them,” she finished.
“Well, OK, but I’m not going to hug him.”
“Oh boys!” Hermione said exasperatedly. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Honestly, it’s all right for guys to hug.” She looked up to find Harry grinning at her. “You prat!” she said laughing as she poked him in the arm. Then she got an evil grin on her face. “I suppose kissing on the cheek is out then?”
“Ewww!” cried Harry, and then they both dissolved into laughter.
“So,” said Harry after they had regained their composure. “I guess Ron is like a brother to you too?”
A pained expression immediately came over Hermione’s face and Harry realized he had said the wrong thing. “It’s more complicated than that” said Hermione softly.
Hermione sat on the couch with her head down, twisting her hands together. Harry waited patiently for her to continue. Finally she gave a big sigh and looked up. “What did it feel like for you when you were attracted to Cho?”
“Well, it started out as a funny feeling in my stomach when I saw her.”
“And Ginny?”
“Pretty much the same thing. With her it felt like a monster in my stomach. It’s funny though, I didn’t feel it at all during the time we spent together at the Burrow last summer,” he reflected thoughtfully. “It only started when I saw her and Dean snogging in the corridor.”
“Well, for a while now I’ve had that kind of feeling for Ron. But I don’t think he feels that way about me.” Hermione’s shoulders drooped as she said this.
“Are you sure?” Harry asked, “I mean, look at how he acted with Krum. When I was interested in Cho, I hated Cedric when he was with her and when I started feeling that way about Ginny I wanted to kill Dean when I saw them snogging.”
“But Harry, despite what some people think, jealousy isn’t the only sign of being attracted to someone. How did you act towards Cho and Ginny?”
Harry thought about it. “When I wasn’t making a fool out of myself, I was as nice as I could be in order to get them to like me.”
“So if Ron was attracted to me for the last few years, why didn’t he treat me better? We constantly argued and he’d say really nasty things to me.”
Harry winced, remembering some of the comments Ron had made, recalling especially the scene at the Yule Ball.
“Yes,” said Hermione, seeming to read Harry’s mind, “I bet you’re thinking of fourth year. I was hoping he’d ask me to the ball, and he came up with that bit about only wanting a girl who was good looking – clearly not including me in that category – then proceeded to ruin one of the most special nights of my life.” She sighed. “And even with all that, I decided that this year I was going to make the first move.”
“When you asked him to Slughorn’s party?”
She nodded. “And the next thing I know, he’s writhing all over the couch with Lavender! Why Harry? I don’t understand it!” She was sobbing now. Harry reached over and pulled her into his arms, letting her head rest on his chest as her tears soaked into his shirt. Finally she composed herself and drew back.
“Thanks, Harry. You’re getting better at this comforting stuff.” Harry grinned and she gave a small sad laugh. “Really though, can you explain it?”
Harry hesitated. “Please Harry, if you know anything,” she pleaded, “I have to know. Has he told you something?”
“No, he hasn’t said anything to me, but I have an idea what triggered the snog session with Lavender.” Harry gulped slightly at the hurt look that returned to Hermione’s face.
“No, that’s OK, go on.”
“I told you about running into Ginny and Dean in that corridor. Well, Ron was there too, and he really went off on Ginny. You know she can give as good as she gets so she came back at him saying he was just jealous, because she had snogged Michael and Dean, I had snogged Cho, and you had snogged Krum but he’d never kissed anyone but his aunt.”
“So he went and snogged Lavender because of that?” Hermione asked disbelievingly.
“That’s when he started avoiding you, and a few days later after the quidditch match …”
Tears had returned to Hermione’s eyes. “But … that was after I asked him out. Why wouldn’t he want to kiss me? Why did he need to go to Lavender?” The tears were now streaming down her face.
“Maybe he just wanted to, I don’t know, get even?” Harry winced as he said these words. He knew even as he said them that they didn’t make any sense.
Hermione just stared at him, taking deep breaths as she tried to control herself. Finally she responded. “Harry, you had girls lined up wanting to give you love potions last year. When you saw Ginny kissing Dean, did that make you want to go kiss Romilda Vane or one of the others?”
“No! It made me want to grab Ginny and kiss her and get rid of Dean!”
Hermione continued, “And Ron?”
Harry’s heart sank. Ron could have kissed Hermione any time if he wanted to. She not only wasn’t going out with anyone else, she had asked him out. Instead he had gone to Lavender.
He remembered now something else Ron had said.
Hermione noticed that Harry was holding something back. She grabbed both of his hands and forced him to look at her. “What is it? Please tell me Harry.”
Harry lowered his eyes again. In a low voice he replied, “After you sent those birds after him … which was a really cool charm by the way …” he looked up and she gave a small smile that quickly vanished so he continued, “he said he was going to go to Slughorn’s party with you but … just as friends.”
Harry couldn’t bear to see Hermione so sad, so he tried again. “But he eventually broke up with Lavender. He found out she’s not what he wanted after all. Maybe now?” he said hopefully.
Hermione just shook her head. “Harry, Ron broke up with Lavender the same day Ginny broke up with Dean. It took you a while … because you were worried about Ron’s reaction?” Harry nodded. “But you got together with Ginny. If Ron had been interested in anything with me there was nothing stopping him. He’s had plenty of time if he really wanted to.” She sighed.
Harry thought of something that might cheer her up. “He did say he loved you that time you fixed his essay.”
Hermione had a puzzled look on her face as she tried to recall what Harry was talking about, then shook her head wearily. “I was so pathetic. I actually reacted to that for a second. It was just homework for goodness sakes. He said that with as much passion as if I’d passed him a bowl of potatoes.”
Harry couldn’t help the snort that escaped. At Hermione’s questioning look he explained. “I couldn’t help thinking of Ron making a passionate declaration of love over a bowl of mashed potatoes.”
That finally got a smile out of Hermione, then an actual chuckle. “Well, they do say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. That’s probably especially true in Ron’s case!” That got a laugh out of Harry as well, but soon the smile disappeared from Hermione’s face and she dropped her head and gave another big sigh.
Harry said nothing. He reached out his arm and Hermione snuggled up to him and put her head on his shoulder, staring off into space.
After a while Harry said, “So what are you going to do?”
“I’ll get over it eventually. He made his feelings pretty clear when you asked him after the funeral.” She paused, then looked up at him. “You got over Cho once you realized it wasn’t going to work, right?”
“Yeah, by the end of the year I realized I didn’t really have any feelings for her any more. But she and I have been avoiding each other all this year and …”
“Don’t worry about that,” Hermione responded quickly. “Ron and I have been friends for a long time and I’m not going to let go of that. You hardly knew Cho before you started going out, so it’s really not the same. Don’t worry, we’ll still be friends. It’ll be like it’s been for the last month.” She patted him reassuringly.
Harry gave a sigh of relief and they lapsed once more into silence.
Finally she said, “Thanks Harry. You’re the best friend I could ever want. Thanks for being here for me.”
They remained on the couch like that late into the night, Harry giving his best friend as much comfort as he could. He decided that when he got a chance that he would have to talk to Ron. He would not allow Ron to keep hurting his friend like this. No, he corrected himself, he would not allow Ron to keep hurting his sister like this.
-xox-XOX-XOX-xox-
Harry and Hermione’s talk was inspired by Like a Sister by Jeconais. I used the first two questions by Hermione in that story at the beginning of this scene. However, in my story they reach the opposite conclusion from what they did in his story.
The two of them thinking of their relationship as being like brother/sister is not uncommon in fanfics, although I know it will not make Harry/Hermione fans happy. Keep in mind that this is just what they’ve decided to call a relationship where they find themselves caring very much for each other but not in a romantic sense. They still need to work it out somewhat, since Harry does find Hermione to be attractive in a sense that brothers may not think of sisters.